• Sam

Two Good Bits of Advice About Boundaries


My favorite website/podcast for people who struggle with Sex Addiction or Compulsive Sexual Behavior is "The Betrayed, the Addicted, and the Expert." I highly recommend it.


In Episode 89 on building healthy boundaries, two good bits of advice emerged that struck me. I want to share them with you.


The first is that good boundaries destroy bad relationships. When people who struggle with anger, co-dependency, or a need to control start to get healthy and to set boundaries for themselves that are rooted in who they are as people rather than who they want others to be, many relationships that fed off the toxic soup of their wounded souls start to languish and die. These unhealthy relationships cannot exist in the light of healthy boundaries.


This brings me to the second insight: Once you start to get healthy, the unhealthy people in your life will either leave you or try to drag you back into unhealth. Unhealthy people, people with messed up attachment needs (either clingy and co-dependent or controlling and manipulative) will start to feel uncomfortable. Unless they themselves choose health, they will either try to pull you back into their orbit and restore the previous unhealthy relationship--which is THEIR comfort zone--or they will simply say something like "I don't understand you anymore. You're not the person I knew." and leave. If they do, grieve a little but rejoice a lot. You have chosen to be loving instead of sweet--and a diet of pure sweetness is not good.


More about boundaries in future blogs. In the meantime, check out "The Betrayed, The Addicted, and The Expert."

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© 2018 by Dr. Sam Pascoe